2009-11-27 - 9:11 p.m.
I know you hate me, and despite whatever insane bullshit you say is your reasoning... I know why you hate me. You hate me because, though you left me, you perceive me as abandoning you. I can only guess that your grandmother died. I can only guess how horrific that was for you, and I don't want you to think not speaking to you was easy for me. I don't want you to believe that leaving you on your own was a decision that I wanted to make, it was one that you made for us. You left me and I needed time to heal. After putting you and your needs before my basic well-being for a year, it was time that I stopped. And I am truly sorry if that hurt you. I am more sorry and have felt more guilt than my meager words can convey. I spent countless nights talking to your mother, hoping you were all right, crying because it hurt me not to soothe you. Not being able to take care of you clenched my heart in a vice, but I needed more than that. I needed to start taking care of me. I'm sorry if you feel I've become a totally different person, but this is who I am when I'm not dulled by pain and unhappiness. I'm sorry if we could not make each other happy, I tried everything that I could, but you lost too much respect for me, and I lost too much respect for myself. I'm sorry our relationship was a fucking ruin, but you cannot deny what we went through together. It cannot be denied what we shared. So fuck it, I've forgiven you a long time ago. I have no ill wishes or feelings towards you, I hope one day you can come to the same place. Then maybe we can inhabit the same space without tension.
Good luck, and Nicole is nice. Don't fuck it up.
